I'm trying

I know, it's been a good two weeks since my last post. I keep meaning to write and it just keeps not happening. 'Tis the season though. The holiday madness. Things at work have been quite busy and interesting, but there will be more on that in a couple weeks, so stay tuned!
I'm trying to finish my exploratory draft this month. I do have some sort of idea regarding what's going to happen now, so it's push time. If I manage it, this one will have taken nine months, as compared to the year it took me to write the first draft of my first novel. And yes, I know, I need to hurry up and submit that first one. There's just one problem with that. I've been working on a synopsis, as that's a required part of a submission for many, many publishing houses and agents. My synopsis has been through a couple major edits, and I'm still not happy with it. It's boring. I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I should just throw it out and start over again. Hmm. We'll see.
So I fly home for the holidays on Christmas Eve. I'm really excited to be on the West Coast for almost two weeks! Here's my plan: read a lot, write a lot, spend time with my family and my godchildren (and a couple close friends), and maybe spend some time playing a cheesy old computer game. Maybe King's Quest IV. I did always love that one, with all the fairy tale and mythology elements . . .
Anyway. I should get moving, as I'm at work. I'll try to be here more often, but I always say that, and we all know how it actually goes! Change is blowing in on the winter winds. Keep a weather eye out!

random scribbles

It's five thirty. I should be going home from work now. But it occurred to me that I haven't blogged much at all this month, for all that I said I would be better. It doesn't help that the wireless internet we "borrow" at home hasn't been cooperating. And work has been quite, quite busy. Still, neglecting one's blog is not a nice thing to do. Even when there's nothing particularly exciting going on. So, let's see . . .
I went to the dentist this morning. First time in five years. I know, I know. Don't yell at me, the hygienist gave me an extremely effective guilt trip on behalf of my teeth. But then she went on to say that my teeth look really good, and I've been taking very good care of them, and she's very impressed. The dentist agreed. I do have a couple of teeny tiny cavities, but they will be easy to take care of. Easy. So, all in all, it was lovely to get my teeth cleaned. Just lovely!
Everyone at work was rather cranky today. A bit odd, I think. Something in the air, perhaps? Who knows. I wasn't cranky. Just everybody else. Perhaps it's the fact that we're really in the thick of the holiday season, with crash books jumping out at us and a lack of time due to Thanksgiving last week and the upcoming week off between Christmas and New Years. This ALSO means that the holiday parties will start up in a week or two. My company has several holiday parties. It makes the last couple weeks before Christmas pass very pleasantly, I think.
Let's see, what else . . .
I've written nearly forty pages this month. And I may have an inkling of what happens in the end of this book. I think that there will not be a huge climactic moment. No battle, no big drama. It will be a little more on the Charles de Lint end of the spectrum, where it is more about the inner climax, I think. Nor is having a hard time with her identity. She is confused about the jungle people believing she is a goddess, particularly because she wasn't sure of herself before that. So, is she a goddess, or isn't she? Is she free, or isn't she? Where is home? Who is home? Who/what/how does she want to be? I think that the climax lies in the answers to those questions. It'll be interesting to write through it. Any thoughts on the quiet climax idea? I'm hoping to finish my "exploratory" draft by the end of December. I have a lot of revision ideas already, which I think is good. But overall, I really do feel that my writing has gotten cleaner and tighter since the first book I wrote, and I'm very excited about that.
And now it's 5:40. So I should wrap it up and head home. There is freelancing to be done, and writing and making music, and some banana bread to make.

Online Wanderings

I sat down a while ago to blog. But then I thought "I'll just check a couple of my favorite blogs first" and a half hour later, here I finally am. The rampant creativity you can find on the Internet just astounds me sometimes. There are so many great crafty things out there, and so many great writers, and it's just an amazing way to find things. To learn things. Some favorites of mine are:
Inside a Black Apple - Emily's artwork is amazing and inspiring, and she has such a great voice on her blog. I hit that one every day.
Cabinet of Wonders - This one is best described in Heather's own words. "What we have here is a Cabinet of Wonders, a place where things of interest are set out, in possibly bizarre, possibly fetishistic presentation, for perusal by the discerning, who understand that presentation, and scientific interest, are all a form of magic." I LOVE it. It satisfies my itch to learn, and to explore.
Grow Wings - This is Laini Taylor's blog. She writes YA fantasy. I love Blackbringer, the one book that's been published already. Love it. The voice is entirely unique and it really drew me in. Definitely in the top five YA fantasy books I've read this year. I think part of the appeal about Laini's blog is that she's just so excited about books and about writing.
There are two blogs that sort of chronicle a first-time writer's experience. The Mortal Instruments and Feels Totally Naked Without a Margarita Shaker. Neither one is a how-to or a step-by-step guide. They're more full of excitement and passion about getting signed and watching their books become, well, books!
Anyway. That's sort of cheating in terms of posting, but I have, as per usual, several things I'd like to do today and haven't really started on any of them yet. In a nutshell, things at work are good, things at home are okay. The weather is finally moving into winter, which makes me really happy. It's time for cozy sweaters and endless cups of tea. My favorite time.
Had a dream last night, I don't remember much of it, really. I remember being in a room, my room, and being just exhausted, and then Workboy came in. I was trying to stay awake and have good conversation but it just wasn't working so he told me to just lay down and go to sleep. So I did lay down, and he laid down with me and just stayed with me until I fell asleep. There are other bits and bobs from this dream still in my head, something about packing a TV that was a computer, and someone was looking for me or something . . . It's very hazy. But that feeling of him just curling up with me while I drifted off to sleep . . . That was lovely. It has stayed with me all morning. And while it is strange because I've sort of let go of having a crush on him, it was still such a good feeling. I felt very safe. He made it okay to sleep. Does that make sense? I don't know. As per usual, I'm a little confused in my head about boys. That should be a whole other post sometime, I suppose. Time to go do some yoga. Happy Saturday!

Wednesday, Wednesday

Having a hard time controlling my anger this morning. It comes and goes, and any little thing triggers it. I was full of rage before I even left the house this morning, just because it's a mess and my b/f left his wet towel on the floor and after squishing a roach with my shoe he left it there and there was butter all over the kitchen table and just . . . AGH.
But then outside, on my walk to the train, everything was lovely. Clear blue sky, that crisp snap in the air that autumn brings, crackly leaves underfoot. Lovely. And for a few minutes I was happy. And I was happy to be going to work. I like my work. A lot. And my coworker who I've been covering for is back from vacation today, so work will be normal again! I actually worked up some excitement on my way here. But then said coworker beat me here and immediately started giving me a hard time when I arrived. I helped him carry some things to his workspace, and he panicked a little, I think, at the sheer volume of work waiting for him. But I did SO MUCH for him while he was gone. He said thanks, but . . . somehow I was hoping for more. Just more heartfelt words, maybe. I shouldn't fault him; I know I'd be overwhelmed, were I him. But it set me off again. so, back to the anger, although it is slowly ebbing away as I write this.
I've been extremely touchy lately. The littlest things can set me off into this terrible black rage. Maybe life has just gotten too complicated and I'm now on overload and that's where it comes from. But how to simplify? I wish life could just be work, writing, the lovely autumn sky, the leaves slowly changing color, and a couple good friends. And music. That doesn't sound so hard, does it? Sigh . . .
Well, the Christmas planning has begun in earnest. I bought a plane ticket yesterday, and I'll be home for nearly two weeks for the holidays. I've got most everybody's presents planned. I'm in good shape, I think. I just need to figure out how I want to celebrate Yule, and I'll be pretty set.
And now, after pecking away at this short little entry all day in spare moments, it's time for me to head home. Wish me luck . . .

Saturday morning

It's been a good morning so far. Leftovers for breakfast, and a big cup of English Breakfast tea with milk and honey, and the November issue of Vanity Fair, and a mixed CD that a good friend made for me a few months ago. It's been quiet, and relaxing, and good for my sanity. Maybe eventually I'll do the dishes, take a shower, get dressed, and do all those things I want to/should do today. But not yet. Right now I'm just enjoying my solitude.
It's time for some new music, I think. I've been listening to the same few CDs over and over again lately. Time to branch out a bit. But branch out with what? I don't listen to the radio much, so I'm not finding new artists that way. I do read Rolling Stone, and look up artists and bands that pique my interest, but generally I'm not really impressed with where more commercial music has been going. I'm still waiting for Tom Hayes to release some sort of recording so I can listen to him obsessively. (My dears, if you haven't listened to this man yet, look him up on myspace NOW and prepare to be utterly blown away.) I think that what I need right now, what I'm looking for musically, is something more organic. Something a little earthy, a little more real and true than a lot of what's available right now. Not asking for much, am I? If anybody out there has any good recommendations, I'd be much obliged if you'd share.
So, it's brainstorming time. I've been working on this novel for a few months now. I'd like to wrap it up in time for the first of the year. That, however, involves knowing the rest of my plot. I know I've talked briefly about this before, and what a problem it is that I don't know where I'm going. So, here we go: Essentially, my book is about a small group of slaves who escape from their owner. (Bear in mind, fantasy novel, so it takes place in an alternate world.) My characters flee through the desert, into the jungle, where they encounter some primitive tribal people. These tribal people are convinced that two of the escaped slaves are actually jungle goddesses and try to kidnap one of them. The escapees flee further into the jungle and are found by an envoy from the jungle emperor. He and his retinue "convince" my characters to go to the secret city in the heart of the jungle to meet the emperor. From here, I'm not sure what to do. Do the slavers from the desert city show up and demand their property back? Do my characters go back to the desert city and lead a citywide uprising against slavery? And what happens with the jungle emperor? Why does he want to see them? I think he tries to keep them; it goes along with the whole escaped-slaves-confused-for-jungle-goddesses idea. How do they escape? What do they do? Where's the climactic moment? Maybe there's no big showdown, no uprising. Maybe they just escape from the jungle city and decide to go their separate ways to find the homes they lost when they were captured by the slave traders. But a book without a climactic moment is lacking something. Maybe the climactic moment should be an inner struggle, not an outer one. I do focus on one escapee in particular. Her name is Nor. She has a really difficult time with the concepts of freedom and family since she's never had either. So maybe the climax is just her learning how to make decisions for herself, learning how to want, allowing herself to feel what she wants to feel. Hmmm. Thoughts?
On a further writing note, I was sitting on my stoop reading the other night and got an idea for another book. How many of these are floating around in my head at this point? Quite a few, I have to say. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do anything except sit around my apartment and write. How amazing that would be . . .
Unfortunately, reality intrudes. I've got some things I'd like to do, so I'd best go do them before the BF gets home. But first, more relaxing, more reading, more music . . .

Autumn

Autumn is desperately trying to reach New York City right now. It happens in fits and starts. A chilly morning here, a rain squall there. It's creeping in, slowly but surely. And it's lovely.
I've been feeling pretty anxious over the last couple of days. Somehow half of October has slipped past me and I haven't DONE hardly anything! There's so much I wanted to do with this month, and I just don't think that there's the time for all of it now. I suppose that's what I get for being an overachiever, but still, I'm disappointed with October, so far. And I foolishly accepted a freelance project for this weekend (I've got to learn to say NO!), so there's not much hope of working on things in the next couple of days either.
What else is there to say? Things have gotten all twisty and complicated in my head and my heart. I'm pretty confused, and a little scared of the intensity of what's in my mind right now. I'm seriously contemplating some pretty big changes. Hard changes. We'll see.
On a lighter note, I did manage to visit my sister, and learn the Saint-Saens Sonata, so that's at least a little progress on my to-do list for this month. And a friend of mine just got a new job at Simon & Schuster that she's going to love. Congrats, D!
There's a lot more that I'd love to say, but right now I just don't have the time or the words. And since I'm sneaking time at work, I'd best get to it . . .

Busy, busy

Obviously it's been a busy couple of weeks. I keep meaning to write but somehow the time just slips away from me and it keeps not happening. I also no longer have internet at home, so I must sneak in my blogging time at work. Poor me, poor me . . .
This last weekend my boyfriend and I went upstate to visit my sister before she moves to Las Vegas for her fabulous new job. We had a great weekend, I think. A long bike ride on a couple of stylish Del Sol cruisers, an afternoon shopping in Kingston (across the water in Canada), a long walk, a two-hour boat ride on the St. Lawrence River. I have something terrible to admit, however. I would have had a better time had my boyfriend not gone along. Now, I promised myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't be one of those bloggers who only talks about her love life, and I intend to stay true to that. So I won't go into details. I will just say that it would have been even more relaxing and fun without the testosterone present.
That said, I'm very excited for my sister! This new job is a great opportunity. It's closer to our family, focuses on a number of things she's very interested in, the pay is better and so are the benefits . . . There's really no downside. Thank goodness for Las Vegas!
I've been lacking in motivation lately, and I can feel it. I've been a little sluggish, a little nonproductive, and that tends to make me cranky. So I've made an ambitious to-do list for this week, and a larger one for the month of October. Can I do it? Who knows! But I'll do my best, that's for sure. Last month I accomplished some of my list. We'll see if this month I can do a little better. The current list, as it stands:

--write forty pages
--brainstorm the plot for the rest of my book
--learn the Saint-Saens Sonata on my clarinet
--visit my sister
--clean out the drawers in my old map-drawer roll-top dresser
--make two collages
--submit my book to Tor and Simon & Schuster
--learn three new songs on bass, and work on my slap technique

Did I post my September list? I honestly can't remember right now. If I did, then it's obvious that there's some overlap between months. But we'll see what I can do.
And now, I should run home so I have an hour to myself before the partner-in-crime arrives . . . But don't worry, I won't be so neglectful in the future. No long silences, no absence from my cyberhome.