Totally irrational

Today, I am having an irrational day. I can't help it. I'm not sure what happened to my mind, but it's just not itself today. I'm wildly all over the place. This morning? A little bleary-eyed and tired, but chipper nonetheless. Lunchtime? A break with the work crush to celebrate him finishing a big work project, wherein I smoked two menthol cigarettes (!) and somehow told my work crush that I could, and will, write thirty-seven pages in my book this weekend. Thirty-seven! And then I ate lunch, a lovely gouda-with-cumin and avocado sandwich on wheat bread. That may have been the most stable moment of the whole day. This afternoon? A total inability to focus on anything other than http://theblackapple.typepad.com/somegirlswander/ because I wish I dressed more like that. AND THEN my work crush decides it would be amusing to tell me he's been emailing with some other girl for hours and that's why he hasn't been emailing me, and I should try to guess who it is. I told him I didn't believe him. He told me he was upset that I didn't. That right there should have made it blatantly obviously that he was lying through his teeth to get a reaction, but I got all riled up. I know he was looking for the reaction. I know he wanted to see if I would get jealous. And I STILL couldn't help it. He got more of a reaction than he bargained for, I think. I stopped responding to emails. Then I had to take something to him, so I went downstairs and did so and tried to be friendly. So what does he say? "Let's bail early. We could go get a drink. Just you and me. And my new friend." I'm sure that my cheeks went cherry red. I said something to the effect of "I have to leave now," spun on my heels, and left. I heard him behind me make some noise of worry and discontent and I didn't really care.
Why does he have to be so good at pushing my buttons?
Anyhow. I apologized for reacting irrationally, and he apologized for thinking it'd be funny in the first place, and I think we're okay. Except for the fact that I actually reacted that way. It was a little too illustrative of my crush. And he asked me why I got mad, of course, to which I replied "It's not a good idea for me to answer that," and he said "That's what I thought." See? NOT GOOD, ladies. Not good.
So. Irrationality has totally taken over today. And I'm at work thirty minutes later than necessary because it just felt really wrong to go home to my boyfriend while I'm angry about my work crush. I'll leave in a minute, I promise.
But what was I thinking promising to write thirty-seven pages? How will I do that? I don't even know what happens next! AGH! But speaking of the writing, an editor friend of mine is looking at this new one. What I have typed so far. No, not in a submission way. She doesn't edit fantasy. She is going to give me feedback, though. An industry professional is going to give me feedback. I'm pretty excited for that! Well, and nervous. But it'll be good. She's really nice, and she edits entertaining books. So we'll see.
Now that I've forced myself into a little more rationality, I think it's time to go home.

Post vacation

Sorry I've been a little quiet. I got back from vacation late on the 8th, and haven't had much time to myself since then. Work's been busy. Quite busy. And my boyfriend has started his new job, so he gets home earlier than he used to. Before me now, most days. I've thought about writing, it just hasn't happened here.
Instead, I've been writing every day on my novel. I'm around 130 pages in, which is great, and my goal for September is to write 40 pages. That might not seem like much to some of you, but between working full time, playing two instruments, and having a live-in boyfriend, 40 pages is a lot! I feel good about this novel, too. I think my writing is both tighter and stronger that the first book I wrote. But I'm getting close to the end of what I've got figured out. There's going to be a lot of brainstorming over the next week or so!
Vacations always call for some rebalancing time afterward. I did have a great time. Rose's baby Raelyn was born, my grandparents were in town, I got to spend a lot of time with my godkids, and I got some good time with some of my closest friends. Good vacation. But I found myself wondering if it was a dream, even the first night back here. Oregon is SO different than New York City, it's like visiting a different world. So my first couple days back were a littl wonky, to be honest. Life is going okay, though. I am getting motivated again. I made a list of goals for September. Included are:

-relearning the Hindemith Sonata on my clarinet
-figuring out three Anais Mitchell songs on my bass guitar
-writing 40 pages
-submitting my first novel to Tor and Simon & Schuster (yikes!)
-making 1 collage

We'll see how much of it I get done. That's a pretty good list, I think, especially given that I was on vacation until September 8th. I'm shooting for all of it, of course, but add work on top of that, and the freelance I keep accepting, and we'll see what happens.
Last night I dreamed about what-if boy again. I don't remember much. There was a barbeque at somebody's house. There was a lot of food and beer. It was late evening, and what-if boy called to tell me he was on his way. I was really excited. I don't remember him actually showing up though, as we all had to leave for some reason or other. The only other thing I remember is walking down a city street and glancing down to see some stuffed animals clogging up a drain, so I crouched down to pick them up but then at least one of them was a real cat. Weird... The night before I had some sort of Buffy the Vampire Slayer type dream. I know it had a full story arc, but I can't remember it now...
Well. I'd best go do some writing before the boyfriend gets home. I know this was a little rambling; I'll try to be a little more coherent next time.

It's a girl!

On September 1st, 2007, at 6:36 AM, my younger sister Rose gave birth to her first daughter, Raelyn Michelle Schutz. She was in labor for approximately fourteen hours, and everything went really well. Raelyn was crowning for about forty minutes; that was the hardest part. But everybody's healthy and happy. She has a full head of inch-long black hair, just like her mom did when she was born. She has monkey toes, like her dad does. And she's perfectly beautiful. So, although I've had godchildren for twelve years now, I am officially, really an aunt. Isn't she lovely?