I don't know...

I'm having one of those wondering mornings. You know, when you wake, look around, and wonder if your decisions have been the right ones. If you're doing the right thing. If you're in the right place. Mornings like this always leave me a bit off. Most of the time, I am happy with life in the big city. But was it really the right decision to move so far away from family and friends? Am I going to be happy forever in the publishing industry? Do I really love the city? And on a smaller scale, why do I do all the things that I do every day? Do they make me happy, or fulfilled? Do I want to do those things? Am I always doing something in an attempt to avoid thinking about things?
Agh. I'm too far in my head for a workday. I wish I could just snap out of it; there's far too much to be done to spend the morning mooning about.
A friend and I have decided that this summer is going to be Operation Feel Better About Ourselves. More running, more writing, eating better, dressing better, staying in our budgets, etc. I think it'll be really good for both of us. Because lately, I've been feeling schlumpy, with no clear way how to drag myself out of it. It's less than enjoyable, but what can you do? Well, clearly you can do things to make yourself feel better. (I think I just typed myself in a circle.)
I'm procrastinating on editing my novel. Why? Well, partially because I want feedback from more than one person before I begin. Partially because I've just been too busy between moving and freelancing. And partially, I don't know. I've always been a bit of a procrastinator with my writing, I suppose it's just an extension of that. But I think that I'll try to edit the whole thing in a month. That should be doable, as long as I stay focused. I've been thinking about what I want to do with it. The ending needs to take more time, and there's a conversation between Nor and Isha that needs to happen (although it may end up happening between Nor and Jair). Maybe more time in the jungle, as well, and I wonder if I should bring Myrthe back around into it somehow. She was such a large presence in the first portion of the book, it seems silly that she just disappears. But maybe I'll save her for a sequel.
Books:
The Loss of Leon Meed: This book was a pretty unique read. The premise is that there is a man named Leon Meed, who lives in Eureka, CA, and he begins randomly appearing and disappearing. The book follows the lives of the people who see Leon, how his appearance/disappearance affects their lives, how the lives of Leon's witnesses intersect, etc. It was really well-written. And it made me wonder about relationships, and how people connect over mutual experiences, and how people interpret the mysterious workings of the universe in different ways. This was definitely an intriguing book.
Little Grrl Lost: A YA Charles de Lint book, and we all know I always love his stuff. Although, I do feel that in recent years the morals in is stories have shifted closer to the surface of things, and I almost wonder if they're starting to be too obvious. Regardless, his writing is always magical, and his integration of the fantastic with the everyday is flawless. This is a great, fun, lighthearted urban fantasy novel about a six-inch-tall girl who runs away from home.
And now, I should get to work...

Apartment

It's 6 pm and I'm still at work. What a crazy day it's been! And don't worry, I'm leaving momentarily. But internet access has been spotty at home as of late so I wanted to get this in really quickly. Just a couple of apartment pictures for you:





Obviously I have my work cut out for me! but I'm excited about it. So much space, what will I even do with it? Anyhow, I should go home and not sit in my office any more. I will post more pictures on Monday when I am done making a home out of my new apartment!

Slow down

That's what I wish life would do right now. Just a little.
I've felt anxious and restless the last few days. Part of that is just my annual springtime mood swing. Part of it is because I just have too much happening right now. I'm trying to pack my old apartment, paint my new apartment, proofread a book, and work full-time. And maintain some semblance of sanity. Admittedly, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes! Part of me is starting to get very nervous about whether or not I can get everything done that I need to do. But another part of me just keeps whispering "Be in the now," and I'm trying to listen to that part. Because every moment is special, and every day there are things to love and enjoy and be happy about and get inspired by. And I'm trying. That's all I can do.
I was thinking about the concept of spring break recently. Several blogs I read on a regular basis have recently mentioned spring break, be it plans for theirs or their children's, etc. Wouldn't it be nice if everybody, on the whole planet, got a spring break? Think of how nice it would be to get a week off to go play, like we did when we were in school. What would you do with your spring break? Sometimes I think I would travel. But other times I think I would just stay at home and do the things I love to do. Create, create, create! Think of how much you could squeeze in to one whole week without work! And how much better would everyone feel afterward, simply because we had time to recharge our batteries! I think it's a great idea. Maybe we should start a petition. In an abrupt change of topic, I've managed to read a couple more books recently. Eat, Pray, Love is a simply gorgeous book, shot through with humor and pathos and brilliant moments of insight. Liz, the author, spent a year essentially trying to find her balance, and herself. There were several moments when I really, really empathized with this woman. It's an amazing thing to read about her grappling with her inner demons, and more amazing that instead of just accepting her suffering she worked through it and moved beyond it. Now, we aren't all lucky enough to spend a year traveling in Italy, India, and Indonesia to exorcise our demons and recenter ourselves spiritually, but there are lessons in this book that we all can carry with us. We do not have to let life beat us down. We can all take care of ourselves. The world is a beautiful place that will take care of us if we let it. There is so much more to it than that, but I'll leave it on that note.
The other book is very different: Night Life, by Caitlin Kittredge. It's a dark urban fantasy about a werewolf detective named Luna. I really enjoyed this one. It's edgy, and sexy, with characters who aren't afraid of anything, it seems. The world that Caitlin built is solid and interesting, with a lot of depth and style. But I do want to say that, to me, it feels like a first book. There's nothing wrong with that at all; but there were a couple of moments where I felt like the characters didn't need to be quite so in-your-face badass, and one moment where I entirely disagreed with how Luna reacted to a situation. It just didn't feel like how she would have reacted. However, that said, this was a really fun book. And I'll definitely be picking up the future Nocturne City books by Caitlin.
It's that time of the afternoon where I wrap up my work, sneak out to Home Depot to buy a screwdriver, and then spend several hours painting my new apartment. Wish me luck, and hopefully I'll post a few pictures within a couple days!

Waiting

I know that 95% of you lovelies are already aware of this, but I'm going to address it briefly anyway. I'm moving into my own apartment next weekend. I love my partner-in-crime but I am so excited to have my own space again! However, a couple things have to happen between now and next week. I have to paint the apartment I am moving into, which will be fun. I always enjoy projects like that. I also need to finish packing, which I am strangely not really worried about. It'll happen, or it won't, whatever. I'm not moving *that* far away, so it's no biggie if a few things get left behind on moving day. But, most immediately, a friend is giving me a bunch of furniture, and we've got to move it. This afternoon. But, of course, complications arose with his storage unit, etc., so I have been sitting in his apartment waiting for him to get here for a good hour now. YAWN. I don't mind the waiting so much as the nagging feeling that I should be accomplishing something with this time. I hope that makes sense. There's just so much to get done, including a big freelance project, that I don't feel like I have the time to just sit around like this. But I can't really complain because my friend is being so generous with his belongings. So, I guess I'll just keep waiting. Maybe I'll go read a book or something.

last night

I wrote this post last night, but then the Internet got rather noncooperative, so you get it now:

It's been way, way too long since I last blogged. And no good reason for it, either, beyond being more socially active than normal, and just being busy. I've read a couple of good books recently.
Tender Is the Night: A classic. And yes, for book club. I thought it was interesting. Such decadent characters, literally and emotionally. People fall in love within minutes, and that can last so long. I suppose F. Scott Fitzgerald was trying to illustrate the corruption of richness. Or how easy a relationship can go from sweet to sour. Or both. I had a hard time discerning the point. It was sad to watch the marriage between the two main characters dissolve, and I thought that the love of the young actress for the husband was interesting in that it seemed such a fleeting thing but then lasted for years. I think this book is a great meditation on relationships, and how people can affect other people both for better and for worse.
She: A precursor to the modern fantasy novel. This one was so good! I had a hard time getting into it, possibly because of the voice and style it is written in, but once I got past that I really enjoyed it. The story of two men venturing into the unknown to discover both their past and their future, and finding lost lands, savage peoples, and a mysterious immortal queen. It was easy to empathize with Holly, the older and wiser of the two men. He was very wise, and yet still susceptible to the wiles of the foreign lands and people he encountered. And Ayesha, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, what a fascinating woman! Two thousand years of knowledge resting in her white flesh. Two thousand years of love and longing and passion and pain. She really is a tremendous character, and the choices she makes are sometimes nearly unfathomable. Sometimes. I often empathized with her, at times unwillingly, even. It was impossible not to. She waited two thousand years for her love to return to her; when he did, how could she not do everything within her power to assure his continued presence by her side?
Work is going well. It's still quiet. I am about to start freelancing for companies other than my own, which I am really looking forward to. I know, I'm a workaholic. Can't really help it. And I'm excited to see what other people throw at me.
Still waiting patiently for feedback on my novel. I've gotten a little from a couple people, and it's a good start, some good things to think about, but I'm itching for more. I'd like to start editing in a week or two. I don't want this book to take me as long to finish as the first one did. I mean, every one is a learning process and will move at its own speed, but I still feel like the first one took an inordinately long time. And I feel good about this one; I know that it will only improve with editing, and I'm really looking forward to putting this one out there and seeing if I can get a little interest from an agent. Even if they don't want this one but want to see the next thing I write, that's still a good sign.
I can feel spring in the air when I walk to the subway in the morning now. It's still cold out, still winter-jacket weather. But I can smell it, I can almost taste the spring coming. And with it, change. I can't wait to see what it brings.

Sick again

I've been sick twice now in the last month, and I'm getting a little tired of it, I must say. My partner-in-crime is currently watching the most grating television show ever, so I am hiding on the bed with my headphones and my laptop and a pile of magazines. Today has been strangely nonproductive for me; I gave in to the siren call of doing nothing, since I have no energy anyway. I did, however, go see The Spiderwick Chronicles, and really enjoyed it! It's different from the books. As Holly Black (the author) points out on her blog, Book 4 is missing. But it really was so good. The characters are fleshed out, the fairy folk are amazing, and the whole thing is just fun. Go see it. If you have any iota of love in your heart for urban fantasy movies, go see it.
I also finished an interesting book last night; It's called The Last of Her Kind by Sigrid Nunez. It's about two girls who are roommates their freshman year at Barnard in the Vietnam era, and how their relationship affects them both throughout the years. It's written as one of the women, looking back on her memories. This book was a different one for me, definitely a far cry from what I usually read. But I really enjoyed it. It was more a study on relationships than anything else, on how people affect each other, and how decisions affect more than just the people who make them.
And now, attention and energy failing, I will go aimlessly flip through my pile of magazines.

I don't even know anymore

I never was good at that title concept, anyway . . .
There are many, many things in my brain that I always tell myself I will blog about. But then I get here and I always end up talking a little about work, a little about writing, and a little about life. So, today I'm going to change it up and talk about a couple of things in particular. (When I should be working on my freelance project, of course!) So here goes.
Babies. They're everywhere! I love them. But what is it that makes everyone feel that it is so necessary to breed? I don't understand. Why do people look at me like I've grown a second head when I tell them that I have no desire to have children? It's my body, and my life, and my choice. While I have the utmost respect for women who choose to bring new life into this crazy, messed-up world, I am simply making my own choice. To not. And that doesn't make me any less of a woman, or less of a person. People have told me, regularly and fairly often, that I would make a great mother. And I probably would. (Not ego, just lots of practice with godchildren and nannying!) I just don't want to. Sigh.
I just saw the movie Juno with a friend of mine, and that character, that Junebug, she really took the hard road, I think. She chose to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. It was really quite admirable. And I think the movie was well done. I enjoyed it. The dialogue was clever (sometimes almost too clever) and it took teenage angst to a very interesting level with the pregnancy. When I was in high school, one of my very good friends had a baby three months after she turned sixteen. I remember how people looked at her strangely. I remember how people talked. And watching Juno really took me back to all that.
When I got home I decided to check a couple of blogs, just to catch up, before I sit down to proofread some more. And what did I discover? Laini Taylor is pregnant. I love her writing, and I love her blog, and I'm very excited for her! But it just makes me think about babies, and how people make decisions about babies, and also how people compromise for babies. I know that have a child is a courageous and brilliantly creative act. Maybe I'm not that courageous or not that creative, but if I always wonder: How does having a baby affect one's creativity? One's productivity? I don't think I could do it. Selfish it may be, but I don't think I could. I chose to be childfree and I love my life the way it is. With lots of other peoples' children happily in it, and none of my own.
On a completely unrelated topic: I have been having some issues in my personal life lately. You all probably already know that, my readership of approximately five women! And I have discovered that I am scared. Scared that I am doing the right thing. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing. Scared that there will forever be a lack of understanding. Scared of being mistaken. I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, but I am having doubts in both directions and don't know how to set myself at ease. I worry. And I wonder. And I don't do anything. I've never been particularly strong about things in my personal life. But I can't let inaction make a decision for me, either. I feel like I have backed myself into a corner, somehow, and I'm not sure what it means yet. People have been quite patient and supportive, and it means a lot to me to have that around me. Lately people have also made some rude/snarky/uncalled for comments, and while I know that it's meant with the best of intentions, but it doesn't help. Especially on days when I'm already scared (and PMSing). I just hope that whatever happens, eventually there is a good level of understanding . . .
I know that was pretty vague. I prefer it to be like that, as I didn't start this blog to talk about the inner working of my private life. I suppose it's a bit of a tease, and I hope nobody minds too terribly. It's the best I could do just now.
Anyway, I should go work on my freelancing. Or play my clarinet, or something, but I am desperately trying to finish this project. I hope everybody's having a good weekend!