I don't even know anymore

I never was good at that title concept, anyway . . .
There are many, many things in my brain that I always tell myself I will blog about. But then I get here and I always end up talking a little about work, a little about writing, and a little about life. So, today I'm going to change it up and talk about a couple of things in particular. (When I should be working on my freelance project, of course!) So here goes.
Babies. They're everywhere! I love them. But what is it that makes everyone feel that it is so necessary to breed? I don't understand. Why do people look at me like I've grown a second head when I tell them that I have no desire to have children? It's my body, and my life, and my choice. While I have the utmost respect for women who choose to bring new life into this crazy, messed-up world, I am simply making my own choice. To not. And that doesn't make me any less of a woman, or less of a person. People have told me, regularly and fairly often, that I would make a great mother. And I probably would. (Not ego, just lots of practice with godchildren and nannying!) I just don't want to. Sigh.
I just saw the movie Juno with a friend of mine, and that character, that Junebug, she really took the hard road, I think. She chose to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. It was really quite admirable. And I think the movie was well done. I enjoyed it. The dialogue was clever (sometimes almost too clever) and it took teenage angst to a very interesting level with the pregnancy. When I was in high school, one of my very good friends had a baby three months after she turned sixteen. I remember how people looked at her strangely. I remember how people talked. And watching Juno really took me back to all that.
When I got home I decided to check a couple of blogs, just to catch up, before I sit down to proofread some more. And what did I discover? Laini Taylor is pregnant. I love her writing, and I love her blog, and I'm very excited for her! But it just makes me think about babies, and how people make decisions about babies, and also how people compromise for babies. I know that have a child is a courageous and brilliantly creative act. Maybe I'm not that courageous or not that creative, but if I always wonder: How does having a baby affect one's creativity? One's productivity? I don't think I could do it. Selfish it may be, but I don't think I could. I chose to be childfree and I love my life the way it is. With lots of other peoples' children happily in it, and none of my own.
On a completely unrelated topic: I have been having some issues in my personal life lately. You all probably already know that, my readership of approximately five women! And I have discovered that I am scared. Scared that I am doing the right thing. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing. Scared that there will forever be a lack of understanding. Scared of being mistaken. I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, but I am having doubts in both directions and don't know how to set myself at ease. I worry. And I wonder. And I don't do anything. I've never been particularly strong about things in my personal life. But I can't let inaction make a decision for me, either. I feel like I have backed myself into a corner, somehow, and I'm not sure what it means yet. People have been quite patient and supportive, and it means a lot to me to have that around me. Lately people have also made some rude/snarky/uncalled for comments, and while I know that it's meant with the best of intentions, but it doesn't help. Especially on days when I'm already scared (and PMSing). I just hope that whatever happens, eventually there is a good level of understanding . . .
I know that was pretty vague. I prefer it to be like that, as I didn't start this blog to talk about the inner working of my private life. I suppose it's a bit of a tease, and I hope nobody minds too terribly. It's the best I could do just now.
Anyway, I should go work on my freelancing. Or play my clarinet, or something, but I am desperately trying to finish this project. I hope everybody's having a good weekend!