these last weeks

The last three weeks or so have been pretty intense. There was the lead-up to my trip. And then there was my trip. I saw most of the people I really wanted to catch up with this time around, with one glaring exception. I got to spend a lot of time with my goddaughter and her baby, which was really lovely. I got a lot of time at Powell's Books, which was also great. And I got some good family time as well. I flew back home two days before Hurrican Sandy hit. I am thankful my flight was Saturday, not Sunday or Monday! But the storm means that this last week has been a weird one. There's been so subway service in my neighborhood for nearly a week now. A good portion of the system is up and running, but not my train. The office was closed due to lack of power all week, so my partner-in-crime and I have had a staycation. I know it's weird to talk about it like it's a holiday when so many people's lives have been just devastated by this storm, but that's the way it has felt. We got very lucky in coming through the storm unscathed. Today and tomorrow I'll be putting together a pile of items to donate to victims of the hurricane, and my office will probably be open on Monday. And that will be madness.
I gave myself a couple of lazy days at the beginning of things. The last couple of days I've really tried to be productive though. I'm purging the apartment again, and trudging through some freelancing work, and trying to get some novel work done as well. We also did ritual for Samhain on the 31st, just me, my partner-in-crime, and two friends. It was a nice evening, and a good ritual. Samhain is one of the two times of the year when they veil between the worlds is thinnest, so it's a good time for divination as well as contacting spirits. It's also our New Year, so the four of us wrote New Year's resolutions down and burned the slips of paper in a white votive candle. Did anyone else out there do anything exciting for Samhain?
I have two books to report, but absurdly, I can't remember what oen of them was. I know I finished a book just before my trip. But for the life of me I can't remember what it was. So when I figure it out, or when I give up on figuring it out, I'll report it on my recent reading.
A couple of strange dreams last night. First, I was at some sort of boarding school and was getting ready to leave, I think to catch a flight, but then my ex-girlfriend showed up. She was in mourning because her mother just died, so I decided to stay with her. There was something about a boy I was supposed to be meeting . . . something about him and a walk in the woods . . . it's all faded though. I also dreamed that I was still nannying for the family I used to work for, and while I was out with the kids Neil Gaiman called their apartment and left a voice mail for me. The gist was that my writing is good and I should keep at it. Then I left to go somewhere, and had my face done up, and was wearing some sort of weird spacesuit type thing, but the thing I was on was sort of a roller coaster. And someone passed me a gizmo to remove my makeup, only instead it screwed up my face so half of it was all saggy and veiny and unresponsive and awful. And I panicked about it, and they said they'd tell me how to fix it if I did something for them, but I don't recall what that was. The previous night I remember flashes of dreams. I was walking somewhere with Laura Bourgeois, out of a school building, and from an office there I'd retrieved a doll named Lettuce that was important to me for some reason. There was another dream about a baby I was holding, though it wasn't my baby. And I know there was a third dream, but I can't recall what it was. . . .
Anyway. I need to shower and get some work done. Blessed Be, everyone, and I hope you're all doing well.

i've been raising up my hands

Work continues to be a monumental struggle. I'm hoping to be caught up by the end of this week. Cross your fingers for that! Aside from that, I've just been trying to reinstate more of a routine at home. A bit of unfucking. Some sleep. You know, the usual.
We did ritual last Wednesday for Lughnasadh, and it was nice, but lately I've felt like my practice is missing something. I need to spend some time thinking about that, see if I can figure out what I'm missing and how to resolve it.
I (sadly) haven't had much time for writing lately, but have started to get back into it. I really want to cut back on everything else I'm doing so I can slam through the rest of this edit. I'd love to have it edited, peer reviewed, and then re-edited by the end of the year. And on the writing end of things, I've decided to apply for Clarion West next year. The teacher roster is AMAZING. And six weeks of intensive writing work sounds amazing. So we'll see what happens with that.
My goddaughter is probably having her baby in the next couple of weeks, which is a little exciting and a little scary. I owe her a phone call today or tomorrow. I'll likely be heading home in October to see her and the baby, and whoever else I can manage while not making it a crazy stressful trip.
Books to mention:
23) Skylark by Meagan Spooner. this is solid dystopian YA writing. Lark was a well-drawn character, I enjoyed the unfolding of the plot, and there were definitely a couple things that I didn't see coming. This one just got released a few days ago. If you're a YA reader, I definitely recommend this one.
24) Shades of Milk and Honey by Mary Robinette Kowal. I loved this book. It's a comedy of manners with magic! Think Jane Austen plus the ability to create illusions. Well written, great characters, good suspense. The sequel is already out; I need to find a copy of it.
25) Of Blood and Honey by Stina Leicht. This is Ireland in the 1970s plus fey plus fallen angels. The cover copy really sold me, as did the front-cover blurb by Charles de Lint (who we all know I adore). And the writing was very solid; the Irish slang was believable, the characters were consistent. Still, there was too much politics and not enough fey and fallen action for my taste. The politics were interesting, but not what I was there for, so I was disappointed. While this is a well-done book, it's not a keeper for me.
I've also seen two movies in the last couple weeks: Moonrise Kingdom and Beasts of the Southern Wild. They're both really good movies. Moonrise is sweet and quirky. Beasts is intense and blew my mind open.
So, that's me recently. The next three Fridays are summer Fridays, hurray! I'll try to do some Friday updates about writing and unfucking my life, etc. Blessed Be.

I don't even know anymore

I never was good at that title concept, anyway . . .
There are many, many things in my brain that I always tell myself I will blog about. But then I get here and I always end up talking a little about work, a little about writing, and a little about life. So, today I'm going to change it up and talk about a couple of things in particular. (When I should be working on my freelance project, of course!) So here goes.
Babies. They're everywhere! I love them. But what is it that makes everyone feel that it is so necessary to breed? I don't understand. Why do people look at me like I've grown a second head when I tell them that I have no desire to have children? It's my body, and my life, and my choice. While I have the utmost respect for women who choose to bring new life into this crazy, messed-up world, I am simply making my own choice. To not. And that doesn't make me any less of a woman, or less of a person. People have told me, regularly and fairly often, that I would make a great mother. And I probably would. (Not ego, just lots of practice with godchildren and nannying!) I just don't want to. Sigh.
I just saw the movie Juno with a friend of mine, and that character, that Junebug, she really took the hard road, I think. She chose to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. It was really quite admirable. And I think the movie was well done. I enjoyed it. The dialogue was clever (sometimes almost too clever) and it took teenage angst to a very interesting level with the pregnancy. When I was in high school, one of my very good friends had a baby three months after she turned sixteen. I remember how people looked at her strangely. I remember how people talked. And watching Juno really took me back to all that.
When I got home I decided to check a couple of blogs, just to catch up, before I sit down to proofread some more. And what did I discover? Laini Taylor is pregnant. I love her writing, and I love her blog, and I'm very excited for her! But it just makes me think about babies, and how people make decisions about babies, and also how people compromise for babies. I know that have a child is a courageous and brilliantly creative act. Maybe I'm not that courageous or not that creative, but if I always wonder: How does having a baby affect one's creativity? One's productivity? I don't think I could do it. Selfish it may be, but I don't think I could. I chose to be childfree and I love my life the way it is. With lots of other peoples' children happily in it, and none of my own.
On a completely unrelated topic: I have been having some issues in my personal life lately. You all probably already know that, my readership of approximately five women! And I have discovered that I am scared. Scared that I am doing the right thing. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing. Scared that there will forever be a lack of understanding. Scared of being mistaken. I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, but I am having doubts in both directions and don't know how to set myself at ease. I worry. And I wonder. And I don't do anything. I've never been particularly strong about things in my personal life. But I can't let inaction make a decision for me, either. I feel like I have backed myself into a corner, somehow, and I'm not sure what it means yet. People have been quite patient and supportive, and it means a lot to me to have that around me. Lately people have also made some rude/snarky/uncalled for comments, and while I know that it's meant with the best of intentions, but it doesn't help. Especially on days when I'm already scared (and PMSing). I just hope that whatever happens, eventually there is a good level of understanding . . .
I know that was pretty vague. I prefer it to be like that, as I didn't start this blog to talk about the inner working of my private life. I suppose it's a bit of a tease, and I hope nobody minds too terribly. It's the best I could do just now.
Anyway, I should go work on my freelancing. Or play my clarinet, or something, but I am desperately trying to finish this project. I hope everybody's having a good weekend!