I wrote the following two weeks ago, and then was unsure to post because I don't want to sound whiny or like I'm asking for attention or anything. Sometimes things need to be purged, though, and blogging is a good way of getting things out of my system. Sometimes things seem more approachable once I write/talk about them. So, older part of this entry:
Last weekend was 4th Street Fantasy, and this year was every bit as good
as last year. Great people, conversation, panels. Late nights. I stuck
pretty close to my VP classmates who also attended; I've been feeling
tentative and unsure about things lately, so I needed that level of
familiarity this year. I did meet some lovely people, and renewed
acquaintance with some others, but that was mostly alongside my VP
tribe.
Why am I so tentative and unsure these days? I think it's a slurry of
several factors. I've been exhausted for a long time: work has been busy
as hell and went pear-shaped a couple weeks ago when a higher-up left.
We're working it out, and I think it'll be fine in another week or two.
But transitions are draining. Things at home have been stressful, but we
finally found a new roommate!! And I'm changing how I approach certain
things, in the hope that that lessens the stress. On a whole other level
(I'm sorry if this is a bit much but I think it's important for me to
address it), a week and a half ago in Manhattan I saw a woman in the
street just after she'd been hit by a car. I saw her, not surrounded by
paramedics or anything, just lying there beneath the bumper of the car. I
saw where she was bloodied from the collision. And that fucked up my
head pretty solidly. I think about her a lot. And last but not least, I
don't feel good about my writing right now. It's difficult for me to do
it at all. I'm worried that my ghost/witch novel is not the right story
at all for those characters. I don't know that I've figured out the
right climax for Emmelina, and I've no idea how to get Janny to the
ending of the novel. I feel stymied.
I need quiet time this summer. Down time. Alone time with books and
movies and long walks and more books. And writing, once I find a level
of comfort with it again. Self-care is important, and it's time for more
of it.
I've
lightened up a little bit since then, though the writing struggle
continues. This last weekend I went out of town, and though I didn't really get any writing time while I was away, at least I got a change of scenery and a few days off work.
I've read a couple books lately:
11) A Rose-Red Chain by Seanan McGuire. Another solid entry in the October Daye series, and I can't wait for the next one!
12)
Two Serpents Rise by Max Gladstone. This is the second book in the stunning, original
Craft Sequence. I really enjoy Max's writing; his characters are
well-fleshed-out, his language is vivid, as his world-building is
incredible. Haven't tried him yet? Start with the first book in the
series, Three Parts Dead!
13) The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison.Well-crafted characters, great court/political intrigue. I REALLY liked this one, and would happily read more in the series if more get written.
I've
decided against Readercon this year, and Worldcon as well.
There are multiple reasons, but the biggest one is that I have been
pushing too hard for too long, and it's time for some self-care. So
here's to a quiet, well-rested, creative July and August for us all.
