this is your wilderness

I wrote the following two weeks ago, and then was unsure to post because I don't want to sound whiny or like I'm asking for attention or anything. Sometimes things need to be purged, though, and blogging is a good way of getting things out of my system. Sometimes things seem more approachable once I write/talk about them. So, older part of this entry:

 

Last weekend was 4th Street Fantasy, and this year was every bit as good as last year. Great people, conversation, panels. Late nights. I stuck pretty close to my VP classmates who also attended; I've been feeling tentative and unsure about things lately, so I needed that level of familiarity this year. I did meet some lovely people, and renewed acquaintance with some others, but that was mostly alongside my VP tribe.
Why am I so tentative and unsure these days? I think it's a slurry of several factors. I've been exhausted for a long time: work has been busy as hell and went pear-shaped a couple weeks ago when a higher-up left. We're working it out, and I think it'll be fine in another week or two. But transitions are draining. Things at home have been stressful, but we finally found a new roommate!! And I'm changing how I approach certain things, in the hope that that lessens the stress. On a whole other level (I'm sorry if this is a bit much but I think it's important for me to address it), a week and a half ago in Manhattan I saw a woman in the street just after she'd been hit by a car. I saw her, not surrounded by paramedics or anything, just lying there beneath the bumper of the car. I saw where she was bloodied from the collision. And that fucked up my head pretty solidly. I think about her a lot. And last but not least, I don't feel good about my writing right now. It's difficult for me to do it at all. I'm worried that my ghost/witch novel is not the right story at all for those characters. I don't know that I've figured out the right climax for Emmelina, and I've no idea how to get Janny to the ending of the novel. I feel stymied.
I need quiet time this summer. Down time. Alone time with books and movies and long walks and more books. And writing, once I find a level of comfort with it again. Self-care is important, and it's time for more of it.

 

I've lightened up a little bit since then, though the writing struggle continues. This last weekend I went out of town, and though I didn't really get any writing time while I was away, at least I got a change of scenery and a few days off work.

I've read a couple books lately:

11) A Rose-Red Chain by Seanan McGuire. Another solid entry in the October Daye series, and I can't wait for the next one!

12) Two Serpents Rise by Max Gladstone. This is the second book in the stunning, original Craft Sequence. I really enjoy Max's writing; his characters are well-fleshed-out, his language is vivid, as his world-building is incredible. Haven't tried him yet? Start with the first book in the series, Three Parts Dead!

13) The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison.Well-crafted characters, great court/political intrigue. I REALLY liked this one, and would happily read more in the series if more get written.

I've decided against Readercon this year, and Worldcon as well. There are multiple reasons, but the biggest one is that I have been pushing too hard for too long, and it's time for some self-care. So here's to a quiet, well-rested, creative July and August for us all. 

tattered lace and faded dreams

I'm thinking of taking a day off next week; I've been struggling with that overwhelmed feeling again. I think it's partially because I have so many problematic titles at work right now, and partially because I haven't been really on top of getting things done at home so I feel like I'm behind. BUT. I'm taking my daily vitamins, I'm drinking a lot less, I'm reading more. I'm not writing more yet, but I'll get there. I had a neat idea for a story the other day; hopefully I'll get around to writing that soon!
Two books to talk about:
9) Half-Resurrection Blues by Daniel Jose Older. WHOA. This book is a crazy rush. It's intense, and amazing, and I totally fell into this book. It's about a guy, Carlos, who's an inbetweener; he works for the New York Council of the Dead, and then shit happens. I need the next one!
10) City of Savages by Lee Kelly. This story is built on a lot of despair and rage. It's New York, two decades after WWIII. The city is a POW camp. While following on family through a stretch of their lives, you also learn what happened during the war and after, and how it became what it became. It's definitely a good read. Not a keeper for me, because I probably won't read it again, but I certainly enjoyed it.
I'm not sure how it got so late already. Per usual, I didn't manage to do half of what I intended to do this evening. I should go squeeze in a few minutes of work on something. Blood and kisses!