a mark for every season

I've been thinking a lot about scars lately. We're all scarred; we all carry them from past trauma, physical or emotional. I'm a survivor of of emotional and sexual abuse. A high-school shooting occurred in my town while I was in college. My family moved states when I was thirteen (you try doing this as a thirteen-year-old girl who has just found her tribe). I have myriad physical scars that I could explain. 
Those are some of my scars. I know you have your own. Some like mine, some different. But present regardless of similarities or differences.

What I don't understand is how some people force their scars, their trauma, on other people. I am heartsick about Vegas. All those people's lives were changed or snuffed out in a heartbeat, and for what? Because some angry older white guy thought the world owed him something, or had wronged him? What kind of person thinks it's okay to take their unhappiness out on others like that?

I don't have good words for any of this. I am horrified and heartsick. I am in awe of those people who put their lives on the line to protect the other people around them. And I am worried—more than worried. Terrified. I am terrified that nothing will change, that America will continue to value money over lives, that acts of domestic terrorism like the shooting in Vegas won't be acknowledged for what they are.

And speaking of valuing money over lives, I am heartsick for Puerto Rico as well, not only for the hurricane damage they sustained, but for their ongoing trauma in the aftermath and for the horrific treatment they are receiving from the government. Who the hell cares about budgets when people's lives are on the line? We should have sent much more help, much faster than we did.  We should still send more help.

What can I do about all of this? I don't know right now. What I do know is that I won't take it quietly. That I will continue to call my reps and go to protests and donate money to help support survivors through their recoveries. That I will rise up however I can.

It's hard to resist long-term. You get tired. You burn out. But we can do this. We can make things better, I think, I hope. Even if it's only in small ways.

Take care of yourselves, kittens. Self-care is one of the most important things to think about these days. And go do something nice for someone today. Remind yourself, and them, through some small gesture, that there is still some good in the world.

since i could say

It's been a while. Sorry about that. There was too much work and too little time, and then a long weekend in Vegas to visit my sister and our grandparents. It was a great visit; sunshine, antique fairs, sleep, good food, four kitties, triominoes. I do feel a little recharged. But it was hard to force myself to go back to work. I think I'm still a little burned out. I know I'm still working on the concept of balance. Work, freelance, music, writing, relationships. Finishing the apartment. That's a lot to have going on all the time. And hopefully I'll get a cat in the next few days, there's that too. Word of the year: balance. Word of the month: frugal. Or maybe simple. I need to tone things down a bit. My goals for March are to make a serious dent in editing my book, do a couple freelance projects, finish my apartment, and get a cat. perfectly reasonable, attainable goals, I think!

I've been dreaming a lot, but not retaining much of them, which is frustrating. Bits and bobs here and there is all. Lorrie's birthday party, at a pool in a Vegas hotel. Moving into a weird interesting house with a skinny low-ceilinged library room in it, knowing there was a demon coming, and wishing that Buffy, Willow, and Xander were there. Playing in a clarinet quintet only I was sick and really struggling to make it to rehearsals. One I remember more of: I was in a car being driven by someone, we were being chased by evil wizards, I was throwing energy detonations at them with my hands out the window. We got to this huge mall-like building and ran inside. There was a grocery store, and I was prowling the aisles, stocking up on things like bread and ground beef that I could roll into balls to ground my energy bombs in. Samantha was there too. Then I remember heading into confrontation in a long hallway.

so, that's that. Strange dream snippets and short vacations and month goals. Next time I'll talk about books I've read, but for now I need to get to work. Happy Thursday!

the war isn't over

The last couple of mornings I've woken up slowly, groggy, remembering only snippets of my dreams. A party, a rock band driving somewhere in a van, a board game . . . the more I try to remember the hazier those snapshots become. The restlessness is back. It leaves me tired, jittery, dissatisfied. And unsure what to do about it. I'm heading to Vegas to visit my sister and grandparents next weekend; hopefully that'll help. Or at least recharge my batteries a bit. I'm a little burned out, honestly. It happens. I'd like to make the time this weekend to rewrite the last chapter of my novel so I can give the remainder to my writers group for feedback. I'm looking forward to starting the editorial process for this one when I get back from Vegas. While I'm traveling, I think I'll poke at Emmelina, see if I can sort out what happens with the witch in that one. And I plan to read a lot, and sleep.

Happy Thursday, all. Thank goodness it's almost the weekend.

The Silence of Saturday Morning

Okay, it's not actually morning. It's noon. So sue me. It's still nice and quiet in my apartment. I love waking up to the quiet, on a chilly, almost-spring morning. It's calming, somehow. Soothing. Although I woke up later than I intended to. Much later. Sigh. Why can't weekend days be thirty-six hours long, instead of twenty-four? Then I could get plenty of sleep and get done all the things I want to do.
Anyway. Last night was a late one because I had dinner at my partner-in-crime's place, and then went to a friend's apartment for a while. I thought I was only going to stay for an hour or two. Wrong! I was there until after 3 am! Good thing she's only a thirteen-minute walk away. I came home and fell right into bed. Set my alarm for 10 am, like a good girl, but did I get up then? No. Let's just say I developed a close relationship with my snooze button this morning. . . .
Anyway. My thirtieth birthday was two days ago, and it was quite the lovely day. Chocolate chip cookies, interesting office gossip, girl scout cookies, Battlestar Galactica Season 1, followed by a nice dinner out with my partner-in-crime and some Framboise at home. Perfect! A few people have asked me if I feel older now that I'm in my thirties. I said no. See, your birthday doesn't make you a whole year older. It's just one more day. So I'm not much older than I was before my birthday, really.
I did go to Vegas for a few days. A pre-birthday celebration with my sibs. It's lovely down there, all desert and cacti and sun. I really enjoyed sitting on my sister's back patio in the morning sun with a cup of coffee and a book in hand. Her house is great, too! Very put-together, so far. Made me want to give my apartment a makeover, or at least spend some serious time sprucing it up. Besides enjoying her house, we went to Red Rock and hiked one morning, wandered the Strip some (Bauman Rare Books, I love you and your gorgeous first editions and rarities!), spent a day with our grandparents, saw two Cirque du Soleil shows, did some shopping, watched The Fall . . . It was a great visit.
And New York has been good since I've been back, as well. Pretty mellow. I've got two freelance projects on my desk right now. As soon as my sister sends me feedback on my edits, I'll dive into round two of editing my novel. Spring is finally on its way; I can feel it in the air. Tonight, I'm going out to one of my favorite bars to celebrate my birthday with a bunch of friends. And things with my partner-in-crime have been good. Life is pretty simple, but I'm enjoying it.
I should really run and get some work done. But first, a plethora of book blurbs for you, o readers! I've read four books since we last spoke, which puts me at twelve for the year. Ready?
Clever Maids: The Secret History of the Grimm Fairy Tales by Valerie Paradiz. This is a great read for anyone interested in the history of fairy tales. Accessibly written, with a lot of good information about the life and background of the brothers Grimm and the women they collected their fairy tales from, this is definitely a keeper for me. However. The title and the jacket copy let me to believe that this book would be about the women they collected the stories from, which isn't entirely true. It's a lot of Grimm brothers history, and then a decent amount about how they met the women and what their relationships with them were like. There wasn't very much directly about the women. And that was disappointing to me. I could read any number of books out there about the brothers Grimm. There isn't nearly as much about the women. So, I was disappointed that it was about the women through their relationships with the brothers. Nonetheless, as I said, it's got a lot of great information in it, and some fantastic variations on well-known and obscure fairy tales, and it's definitely staying on my bookshelf.
Ink Exchange by Melissa Marr. This is a companion book to Wicked Lovely, which I read a year or two ago and loved. This is the kind of urban fantasy that really strikes a chord with me; lush language, complicated emotional entanglements, and characters who are truly shades of gray. Things are never black-and-white in her books, and I love that. This one is about a girl with a terrible home life who decides to get a tattoo. And the tattoo she decides on opens her up to a crazy connection with the dark fairy court in her city. The main characters from WL have secondary roles in this story., which is a nice grounding touch for people who have read WL, but Ink Exchange stands on its own perfectly well. This one is also a keeper. And she's got a third one coming out next month that I'm very excited to read!
Envy by Anna Godbersen. This is the third in her Luxe series, set in 1899 Manhattan among the young elite of the upper class. And with every book she really just ratchets up the angst, the tension, the betrayal. Still great, juicy guilty-pleasure reading. Beyond that, I think it's great for readers to see through this window to how it was then for young people, when women were much more limited in what they could do with themselves, and the decisions that they made for the good of their families and/or themselves. Great fun. The fourth and final book doesn't come out until next year, which feels like forever away from today, because I can't wait to see how she wraps everything up!
Second Skin by Caitlin Kittredge. The third Nocturne City book about Luna Wilder, policewoman and werewolf. This one was also a great read. I really feel like Caitlin's writing gets more consistent with each book that comes out. (And I am so jealous of the fact that she is a full-time writer while I'm plugging along in my day job!) Luna is volatile and certainly has her share of issues when it comes to men and communication, which leads to some really interesting situations for her, both on the job and in the bedroom. I like the overall arc of this series so far. And I like how Luna is growing as a character. But so far, in every book I've had one or two instances of "Would that character really react like that to that situation? I'm not convinced." And that's a little frustrating to me because mostly, her characters are consistent. But I like her writing, and I like her snarky, complicated characters, and I like Luna's sassiness. So it's a keeper, and I look forward to the next book by her (June, I think).
And now that I've rambled on and on in the lovely silence of my apartment, it's time to get moving and get some work done. As always. Maybe someday I'll stop being such a workhorse. . . .