remembrance

In the small, dim hours of early morning today, I dreamed about an old friend who took his own life a year and a half ago.

I was at a party, a crazy Goth/Victorian-inspired masquerade party that took up a warehouse and the surrounding grounds. I was there with my real-life partner-in-crime. But then two other women approached and started shouting at him about cheating on them. And then all of a sudden Sam was there. He took me by the hand and led me away from the argument, out of the party. We got in his car and drove and drove, for what felt like hours, talking and deciding what to do. We eventually stopped at a hotel for the night, at which point I realized I'd left my tote bag at the party. Sam assured me it would be there the next day when we returned for it. He got us a room. In the stairs he handed me a baggie of pills, four different kinds, and said, "Please don't let me be responsible for these." At some point I wandered out onto the giant patio in the middle of the night. There was a group of people out there who said they were vampires and started threatening me, and again, Sam just appeared and took me away from the uncomfortable scene.

And then I woke up.

Sam in the dream was always there for me, just like he and I were always there for each other in real life, when we were close. He would come over and cry on my shoulder when he had an abusive encounter with his ex. I would go to him when I was stressed, when I was uncomfortable with what was going on with whatever relationship I was in. We slept together when we were single and would go out to brunch the next morning, always simply good friends regardless of what had transpired the night before was just sleep or something more. We were important to each other.

At some point, we started depending on other people more and each other less. We grew apart, like people do. I hadn't spoken to him in several years before he decided he was finished being on this earthly plane. I blogged about finding out about his passing, in March of last year. But that dream this morning hit me like a punch in the gut. I woke up and remembered he was gone and I ached to talk to him one more time. In the dream, when he took my hand, his palm was calloused just like they were when he was here. It's rare for me to remember physical sensation in my dreams, but I remember that. And that physical detail recalled the hurt of him being gone just as much as him being there for me did.

I don't know what else to say about this. I don't think any of us ever truly reconcile ourselves to the idea that someone we love decided to take themselves out of this life. I miss him, and I love him as a good friend still, and I wish I could talk to him again.

stymied

(written 9/5 evening, posted 9/6 noon)
Hi, kittens. I've been trying all day to think of something clever or interesting or entertaining to talk about, but I'm stymied. I am sick at heart about the fire in the Columbia Gorge in Oregon. I am overwhelmed by life, by politics, by work. Hell, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of books I own but haven't read!

So. I'm declaring September a month of focusing on self-care. That involves less social media, and maybe less socializing. It involves more home cooking, and reading for pleasure. More tea! More sleep!

And yes. Lots of writing.

I'd love to hear from all of you. Tell me how you're holding up. Tell me your self-care rituals, the things that get you through the bad days.

That's all I have right now. It's time to read a book. Blood and kisses! Take care of yourselves!

fall is in the air

Hi, everybody. The day after tomorrow will be September already. This summer really flew by, and I have say, I'm ready for autumn. Give me crisp mornings with brilliant sunny afternoons; the sweet tang of woodsmoke curling through the air; zucchini bread and pumpkin pie for breakfast; red, yellow, orange leaves shivering in the breeze; drinking tea and watching rain fall outside.... I am really over this summer, obviously!

I've gotten stuck on the novelette. I know what needs to happen for the climax emotionally but not action-wise, so I'm spinning my wheels. Maybe I should switch back over to the eye-stabby novel for a couple days.

What are your creative goals for September? I'd love to hear about them! Mine are to finish the novelette and to make some really solid progress on the novel. Play my clarinet more.

I've got some vacation time left this year, so I'm contemplating a staycation. Sounds nice, right? I also want to go apple-picking in the next few weeks. 

On the activism front, I'm taking a class in emergency bystander first aid, and I've gone to a couple protests. How about you, kittens? What action are you taking?

That's it for me, I have to get to work. I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and making your voices heard in whatever way you do that.

Blood and kisses!

follow me down to the river

Just another summer day here in the center of the universe . . .
How's everyone doing? I can't believe it's mid August already. I've gotten a lot of writing done this summer, but not as much as I'd hoped, as always. Still, I broke 50k on the novel first draft, and I'm doing a heavy revision on the novelette right now (it'll be a novella after this go-round, ha!) and I've drafted a couple short stories. I've started pondering Janny and Syska again too; I'll get back to them this fall. And the ideas. Like ripe fruit ready for the plucking. I have so many ideas right now! Anybody need some?? I could set up an ideas-for-sale booth in the goblin market, and make a killing.
I've read a few books since last time I was here. In no particular order:
13) Phantom Pains by Mishell Baker. The sequel to Borderline. I enjoyed this one, can't wait for book three!
14) The Girl from Everywhere by Heidi Heilig. Holy wow I loved this YA time-travel adventure. It's so much more than that, though! Family, and time travel, and love, and sailing the open seas! I'm buying the sequel after work. Seriously, read this book, everyone!
15) Grim Tidings by Caitlin Kittredge. Fast and furious and grim and gallows humor. Everything I'd hoped for. I can't wait to read the sequel to this one!
16) The Refrigerator Monologues by Catherynne Valente. As always, Valente kills it in this. The voice and narrative styling are amazing, the stories are great. She's a writer's writer. Everything I've read by he has been stunning.
17) Snow White graphic novel by Phelan. This is a lovely retelling of Snow White in NYC as the Depression hits. The story works really well within that setting; I quite enjoyed this.
18) Gideon by Alex Gordon. Whoa. This is a creepy paranormal thriller. I was all in, the entire time I was reading. Definitely recommended. A third one on today's list for which I can't wait wait to read the sequel!
My struggle these last couple weeks has been feeling unseen. Does this happen to any of you? It doesn't matter what you say or do, it feels like people just don't see you? I've really fallen down that rabbit hole, and it's time to fix it. I'm working on the attitude. I'm dressing differently than usual. I might *gasp!* start wearing a little makeup sometimes. Anything to pull myself out of this bullshit beaten-down rut I've been in.
Let's be honest, sometimes it's hard to be happy. Especially given what's happening in America these days. So tell me, please, one thing that has made you happy in the last couple weeks. It could be anything from getting married to reading a good book to signing with an agent to meeting a cute puppy this morning. I want to hear it!
And now I have to get back to work. I'll come back soon.
Blood and kisses!

a writing question

Happy Wednesday, everyone! I'm just passing through for a moment to share an observation and ask a question.
I've been trying to better prioritize my writing, especially now that I have fewer weekly commitments than I used to. And while the writing is going fairly well, I've noticed that I have a really difficult time giving myself permission to write before I do housework, before I exercise, before I make dinner. So it's often 11 pm before I give myself permission to write, and we all know I'm probably not doing my best work at 11 pm after working all day and doing those other things. I think this is the thing I'm struggling with the most; giving myself permission to let other things go for a while so that I can be my best writer self.
Do any of you have a hard time with this? What are you struggling with the most as a creative person?

so many days

Hello lovelies, it's been a while! As always, I didn't intend for it to be so, but life happens. I've been pretty preoccupied between day job, freelancing, writing, music, roommates, the state of politics in America today, etc. But there have been good things happening. I attended the Rainforest Writing Retreat in March, and wrote 27,000 words in five days! I've written a couple short stories! I'm on my second round of revisions on my novelette! 4th Street Fantasy was two weekends ago, and was amazing as always! My longest-standing friend in the world and her husband visited last weekend!

And of course, I've read some good books this year  (super short comments on each because otherwise I'd be here for hours):

1) Descender vol 1. WHOA good sci-fi graphic novel.

2) Pretty Deadly vol. 1. You dig weird Western? This is crazy good!

3) Nimona by Noelle Stevenson. This graphic novel got me right in the feels. Loved it!

4) Life Without a Recipe by Diana Abu-Jaber. I love everything she writes. She uses the English language so beautifully, I fall into her words.

5) Last First Snow by Max Gladstone. Everything Max writes is brilliant.

6) Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig. This was like reading an action movie!

7) The Archived by Victoria Schwab. Atmospheric YA. I need to get the sequel.

8) The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma. This is some creepy YA! So good!

9) Black Dog by Caitlin Kittredge. Action-oriented, out-of-the-norm urban fantasy. I just picked up the sequel.

10) The Silent Woman by Janet Malcom. REALLY interesting book about Sylvia Plath!

11) Once Broken Faith by Seanan McGuire. I love the whole Toby Daye series.

12) An Unkindness of Magicians by Kat Howard. Kat blows me away, everything she writes is amazing!

I'll be focusing on my writing for the summer, but I'll be dropping by here every so often to update you all on how that's going. My goals are to finish revising the novelette and start submitting it, and to have a finished first draft of the novel I'm powering through. And to spend more time reading! What's everyone else's plans for the summer?

Time to get back to writing. Blood and kisses, everyone, I'll be back here soon.

moon-shaped

Agh, that frustrating moment when you had a blog post mostly written and then your draft disappears . . . Ah, well. I'll do my best to re-create it.
I feel as though I am continuing to improve, a little bit every day. I'm writing pretty regularly. Only a new project, though: I'm not prepared to revisit the projects I was so bogged down in before. I think it'll be a while yet before I do look at those again. Work has calmed, and so has home (as much as home can when sharing space with so many people). I was recently on vacation for a week, and it was very nice to not be in the city, to have some time away, to catch up with people. Of course I missed my cats terribly, though, and they were both angry at me when I got home!
I can't wait for autumn to really begin. I am very ready for chill, crisp air; for sweaters and boots; for the changing of the leaves, and bonfires, and tea, and cozy nights at home reading.
Books!
15) The Thorn and the Blossom by Theodora Goss. This is a beautiful story of love and magic. The language is lush, and both characters felt very real to me. Definitely a keeper.
16) Full Fathom Five by Max Gladstone.I've nattered on about the Craft Sequence books before. They're brilliant, engaging, and very different from other fantasy series out there. Keepers, every one. Max is a great writer, and also a great speaker; if you get the chance to see him, be it a reading or a panel at a con or whatever, do it.
17) Daughter of Deep Silence by Carrie Ryan. I devoured this YA novel of revenge and hidden identities. It's a fast, smart, dark read that you will fall into. Definitely worth reading!
18) A Green and Ancient Light by Frederic S. Durbin. This is a quietly beautiful book about war and love and loss and magic. It surprised me, to be honest; I felt very emotionally connected to the characters and the story almost immediately. Every action is believable, the love is palpable, and every moment of tension is had me in suspense. Please check this one out; it's lovely.
And now, on with my Sunday. I have today off from pool, hurray! So I'm doing some things around the house, some freelancing, and running a couple errands. I'm so used to my Sundays being occupied that having the entire weekend free feels decadent.
More soon. Blood and kisses!