the breeze drifts on by

The world just keeps on turning, doesn't it? Whether or not you want it to, life just keeps on plodding along, and the commitments keep on stacking up, and the work, and the lack of time and sleep and energy. It's intense. And it's such a fine line for me. I am happy beyond happy that I am fortunate enough to spend all day every day working on books. To surround myself with story, with language, is a blessing. But sometimes I get swallowed whole by other people's stories, and lose track of my own. And that's what has happened for a good portion of this year so far. There's some irony there, in spending so much of this "year of me" on other people and their work so far.
Please don't take this as a horrible complaint. I take full responsibility for it. I, and only I, have made the choices I have made. I accept that. I accept them. I also accept the fact that learning how to focus more on myself, on my own wants and needs, is more than the flip of a switch that I thought it would be. It takes time. And effort. And frustration, and more effort. But I can get there. And I will.
Only two freelance projects stand between me and the time to write again. So I'd best hurry through them.
I think that part of the problem is a sense of validity. With my day job and my freelancing, I can go to bookstores and point out tangible proof of my efforts. I help other people improve their art. With the writing, there is no proof of anything yet. It's intangible. Which means that I don't always feel that it's valid to take time away from the tangible money-making tasks to indulge in the act I am most passionate about. Intellectually, I know that's silly; I need to spend time on my writing in order to improve, in order to find an agent, in order to sell books. Emotionally, even though I inch closer and closer to it, I think I'm still afraid of taking the plunge and truly focusing on it, truly pushing myself. I need to figure out how to get over that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life improving other people's art, as nice and fulfilling as that is. I want to spend the rest of my life improving MY art.
Anyway. A book and a dream for you, and then I need to get back to work. So without further ado . . .
9) The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater. Why on earth did I wait so long to read this book? I love everything I've read by Maggie, and this one is no exception. It's beautiful and sharp and cuts like a knife, and it hurt SO GOOD to read this. I love Blue and Adam the most, though the other raven boys are endearing, too. I love Blue's strange family, and how the weird is the normal, for them. I have the next book, and will read it soon. Some books/authors just cleave to your soul and never leave, and that's how I feel about this series and Maggie's Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy as well. They turn me inside out, they make me cry and give me hope all at once.
Dream: Last night, it started with a little boy. I was on some sort of public transportation (train or bus, not plane) and he was with his mother across the aisle and I think one row of seats up. He was upset, and his mother wasn't succeeding in calming him down. I got tired of his wailing, and asked if he would like to sit next to me and color in my notebook with my pen. He and his mother accepted, and he sat with me for however long we were all on the train. And by the end of it I was fast friends with him, and his mother adored me. Then the scene changed; I was in a swamp, I think, surrounded by green trees covered with ropey vines that seemed as though they leaned down to greet me as I passed. I was working at some sort of waterside (partially floating) plant nursery, I think it was. I was moving potted plants, talking to people, that sort of thing, although it had a bit of a museum feeling to it as well. A gaggle of girls showed up, and in my dream I had flashes of memory about hanging out with one of them; we were good friends. She was the older sister of the boy I'd befriended on the train, and at this point I was friends with the whole family. I left work to hang out with the girls at the family's house, which was huge and labyrinthine. We were eating snacks from the fridge and generally being saucy girls, laughing and trying each others' clothing on and etc. Then I scene changed again, I was no longer at the house. I was maybe at my own? Although I don't recall what it was like. What I do recall is calling my friend, but her mother answered, and she wasn't there. "But Edward is, why don't you come over to hang out with him?" I was intrigued. I knew there was an older brother but didn't know him, so I did. I let myself in and went to his bedroom door and knocked, and when he said I could enter I slowly pushed the door open and he was laying in bed, only his face and a bit of dark curly hair showing. I gave him a flirty smirk, and at the same time I could tell that there was something really wrong with him that only I could fix. (Truly. This was not a "Fix the bad boy's attitude" thing. He was ill, or hexed, or something.) So I made friends with him and I was healing him with plants and such, and got so comfortable with the family that I was basically one of them, although Edward stayed fiercely self-conscious around me. For some reason I thought of him as the Sea King, though if that was true or not I don't know. I wish I'd stayed asleep through the end of the dream to see if I'd healed him; he was only partially better when I woke.
And now, back to work so I can finish these projects so I can get back to mine. Happy Thursday!

i need to clear my mind

There's a new moon today. About five minutes ago, actually. The new moon is a time for sowing new intentions. So tell me, world, what are your intentions for this moon cycle? My intent is to continue trying to focus on myself and my writing. Sometimes that necessitates taking a detour into a lot of freelance work (we all need money to take care of ourselves!), which is a bummer, but so be it. So this moon cycle is about focus and about looking forward, for me.
I dreamed last night that a very dear friend of mine had cancer, and that my parents and I were his primary caretakers as he moved toward the end of his illness. It was heartbreaking, but it was also amazing to spend such raw, honest time with him.
Several strange dreams recently: The previous night I was running a secret gambling hall set above a bar. Invite only, you had to be told where it was, etc. I lived in the space, so did a family of cats, and most of the people who came for the gambling were pool friends in real life. Another night I dreamed about the two children I used to take care of, but in my dream they were teens and living in a house in a smaller town residential neighborhood instead of an apartment in New York. Another night I dreamed about two tribes of post-apocalyptic survivors. Mine was a group of traders, salvagers, who lived in a rubble-filled city and kept giant ledgers of trading records. Nearby in the wilderness was a much more savage tribe that used sex and slavery as power tools. One of my tribesmen defected to (or was stolen by) the other tribe, so I went looking for him. Uncomfortable. And in another dream, the devil himself was leading me and a friend through an ever-shifting series of landscapes until we arrived at his home, which was a fancy, beautiful old mansion (think 1900s New York mansions on Fifth Avenue, not big sprawling English estate mansions). We were there so he could keep us safe, but then there was a big party and this other demon showed up on a rooftop terrace with my brother in tow, and I wanted to rescue him.
See? Strange.
Two books: 7) Copperhead by Tina Connolly. This is the sequel to Ironskin, which I quite enjoyed. I had a harder time getting into this one. The switch in main character had something to do with it, and I felt like this one was really slow in getting to the interesting parts. I enjoyed it, but I don't think it's a keeper for me.
8) Carnival of Souls by Melissa Marr. I've read most of the books Melissa Marr has out there, an generally, I really enjoy her work. (Especially Graveminder. That's one of the best fantasy books I've read in the last several years!) So I was excited to dive into this one. But it left me feeling very conflicted. Of the two main characters, I only liked one, which means I really struggled with getting through parts of this book. Aya really caught my attention. She's smart, and desperate, and willing to do what it takes to make her world better. Mallory, on the other hand . . . She's been kept in the dark about who she is for her whole life, and has a lot of prejudices that her father taught her. I struggled with her because she's weak, and (especially early on) whiny about her life. If there's a sequel, I'll probably read it; I do want to see where the story goes. But this one is not a keeper for me.
And now, I need to get back to my kimchi (I should really do a homesteading post soon about what I've been up to in the kitchen lately) and then do a couple hours of freelancing before I go to pool this afternoon.
Happy Sunday, lovelies!

nothing is taking me down

Almost two weeks ago, I woke up sick in the early hours of Monday morning. Aching body, tired mind, warm throat that felt swollen on the inside . . . Fun. As a result I didn't do much that day (well, I didn't do much for me), and as a result of that, I didn't sleep well. But when I did finally get some sleep, I had horrible dreams. The first one I have only a very vague recollection of, but it was about hanging out with a friend who was near to death from cancer. In the second one, the earlier parts are flashes of scenes. Walking around downtown in a town that looked like Eugene, sort of. Running up a muddy hillside in bare feet, with a dog at my side. I was wearing a dress. And then I was in a big homeless shelter that was built in the forest outside of town, it was a sprawling place of tubes and tunnels and stations within it for food and sleep and hanging out with people. I was walking around it with someone else, maybe I was doing an orientation with them? Or giving them a tour? Regardless of the specifics, a homeless man with a gun (a rifle or a shotgun or something) came in while we were there and shot a lot of people. The noise was horrifying, and there was blood everywhere, and people screaming. I saw two headless bodies on the floor. It was awful, and waking up from it was awful, too.
Well, I meant to blog that a week and a half ago, but never made it back here to finish the post. So you get a couple posts crammed into one. The sickness from the first paragraph didn't last long. Thank goodness, because the last two weeks were very busy. You see, I gave notice at my job, so they were my LAST two weeks at my job. My old company has hired me back to fill a higher position than the one I left a year ago, which is really exciting! Equally exciting is that I'm taking a week off between jobs, so today is day one of my time off. I plan to do a lot of work on my novels, and do a lot of work on my apartment, and get some exercise and play my instruments every day. And read! Speaking of, here are some books for you:
4) Buffy the Vampire Slayer vol. 4. I always love reading Buffy. Enough said.
5) Can You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? by Max Brallier. This was a lot of fun. Max, who's an ex-coworker of mine, created a sharp, fun choose-your-own-adventure for adults full of zombie gore and good humor. I read through it a few times, making different decisions along the way, and really enjoyed it!
6) One Salt Sea by Seanan McGuire. This is the fifth Toby Daye book, and as always, this series left me a little brokenhearted for Toby. Life is hard and never gets any easier for her. There are flashes of happiness and brilliance, but there are also serious consequences to her actions, and difficult decisions. I wept at the end of this book. The sixth book is out, and I have it, but I decided to give myself a break emotionally by reading something else. Don't take my words as a negative review, though. I adore this series; it's one of the best urban fantasy series I've come across in the last several years. I'll keep these books forever and reread them every so often. Love these books.
This morning I had another strange dream. It was in the early years of the twentieth century. The suffragettes were a new movement, life felt somehow innocent but somehow complicated at the same time. My family had a large estate, and we were hosting some sort of party/celebration. I was wearing a simple, flapperlike dress, wandering around our home. A man cornered me--he looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman--and asked me to do a spiritual healing on his back. He took off his shirt and stretched out facedown on a settee in the hall. He had a giant purple bulbous growth on the back of his lower skull that hung down like an eggplant, and on the left side of his torso there were strange horizontal scar lines. He said that he could feel evil spirits living in the scars and asked me to pull them out. So I did. (I think I cast the evil spirits into a nearby houseplant, for lack of anywhere better to put them.) He thanked me profusely and a little awkwardly, and lumbered away after replacing his shirt. I went to the backyard. It was nighttime, and there was a swimming pool and many people around. I remember having a conversation with a young man, though I don't recall what about. There were several conversations with my sisters (my real-life sisters) and my mother (also my real-life mother). The extended family were not my actual family. There was something about riding somewhere in a car and being uncomfortable. . . . Something about a sport of some kind. Something about wanting to travel, or being envious of someone else who had traveled. And there were whispers about the suffragette movement, and I had a flash image in my head, sort of a black-and-white news reel, of watching women in uniform getting shot and killed. One of them was related to a friend of mine, a sister or mother? I saw her fall and then I saw a picture of her tombstone overlaid on her body, but it didn't have her name on it, because being a suffragette disgraced your family. At one point someone turned on a radio so there was music wafting on the breeze. And then an older gentleman in my family began to speak very negatively about the suffragettes, and I was all riled up (I don't remember why) so I started shouting at him that women are people too and deserve equal rights and how dare he treat his female family members like subpar humans, and on and on, and he scoffed at me so I said "Fine, maybe I'll join the suffragettes!" And he got very angry with me. I wish I could recall more of the conversations. I know I was in and out of the house several times with different people. I know there were younger children about, playing in the pool and on the grass.
On that note, my partner-in-crime isn't feeling well and is therefore already asleep, and I think I may join him in that. I hope everyone has a lovely Saturday night!

way down by the sycamore tree

How's 2014 treating everyone so far? Things are okay over here. I wrapped up all of my freelance commitments so I've finally gotten back to editing. Emmelina and the Rat King first, and I'll follow that with the ghost/witch book. I feel like I'm really moving in the right direction with both of them. The climax in Emmelina needs a solid edit and cleanup, but I like where it's going. I'm still torn about what to write next, though. I've been thinking about the fey folk/secret society project for a while now, but for some reason I'm not totally convinced. Maybe that's just because I haven't properly focused on it, but maybe it's a sign that I should write something else next. Maybe my zombie novel? Something to think about. I'll keep writing short stories in the Twilight Child universe, regardless of what novel comes next. I know that eventually the Twilight Child materials will turn into something bigger, but I'm not ready for that yet. She's been in my head for so long; I really want to do her and her world justice, and I don't think I'm quite there yet.
It's been quite snowy and cold here in NYC. I know many people don't enjoy it, but I do. I'm a winter girl. Give me the cold snap, give me the air so frozen that taking a breath is like taking a drink of cold running water, give me the drifts of snow clinging to sidewalk and car and fence. It makes me feel happy, and calm, and in balance. That said, I do enjoy all four seasons. But winter is my favorite.
I've only read three books so far this year. I blame that on all the work I did in January. There's time to catch up! My goal is forty-five books again this year. And, while three doesn't sound like a brilliant start, I did reject five or six other books between these three, so I'm going through my books at a decent clip even though I'm not reading all of them!
1) Blood Magic by Tessa Gratton. I love this book. LOVE. The characters, the magic, the shifting undercurrent of tension. It was really well done. It's about magic and love and family and death and making choices. Go out and buy this one; you won't regret it! I can't wait to read more of her books!
2) Sandman Slim by Richard Kadrey. This one knocked me off my feet, too, although it's extremely different than the first book I read this year. This one is gritty and snarky and dangerous and downright funny at times, and you can't help cheering for Stark as he tries to get revenge for the murder of his girlfriend.
3) The Hum and the Shiver by Alex Bledsoe. This book is a really interesting take on magic, family, and war and music. Highly recommended, especially for people who like urban fantasy and folk music.
And now, I have a lot still to do today, so I'm off to do it. Happy Saturday, everyone!

long time time coming

To wrap up last year . . . I'm embarrassed to say that I think I forgot a book. No, I know I forgot a book that I read. I got to thirty-nine. But I can only recall two I've yet to blog about, and the last book I talked about was number thirty-six . . . Bother. Here are the two I can recall:
37) The Fox Inheritance by Mary Pearson. This is the sequel to The Adoration of Jenna Fox, which I read a couple years ago and fell pretty hard for. This book takes us along for the ride with her friends Locke and Kara, the other two who were in the car accident with her. It's pretty intense, and tightly constructed. While I didn't enjoy it as much as I did the first book, this is still a great read, especially the moments when Locke is struggling to come to terms with who and what he now is. If you've read the first book, definitely follow it up with this sequel.
38) The Dark Crystal: Creation Myths, Vol. 1. Love. I love everything about the Dark Crystal universe: The characters, the animals, the land itself, everything. I wasn't disappointed with this graphic novel. It's a few different shorter stories strung together, which is fun, and Aughra is there, as always. I read this as part of my research for writing a last-minute submission to the Dark Crystal Author Quest, and can't wait to get my hands on the second volume!
39) UNKNOWN. Damnit.
So, diving headlong into 2014: I'm still struggling through my freelance commitments. One to go. I'm determined to take February and the early part of March off from freelancing so I can focus on editing my novels. And more ideas, I always have more ideas. There aren't enough hours in the day for all of the things I want to do, all of the stories I want to write.
Sometime early this morning I dreamed. I was in a fancy restaurant that I think was mostly empty.I was sitting across from a nice older man, he seemed sweet but somewhat self-conscious. Sandy brown hair. Kind eyes. His name was something fairly common, Richard or something. I don't recall for sure. We were talking, and when I paused in the midst of something, he handed me a ring box. He stammered a bit over his proposal while I opened the ring box, and cocked my head like a bird to look at the ring. It was made of some metal that was darker than gold, and had three sides to it. Two sides had a number of small diamonds set in two distinct patterns. The third side was one giant stone, a sort of orange-brown color with a million tiny facets cut into the face. There was a little card in the box that called the ring a huckleberry ring, or raspberry/huckleberry setting, or something. I looked at the gentleman proposing to me for a long moment. I wasn't in love with him. But he could provide something important: safety, security, home. So I said yes. He was very happy, and a group of other people came in and swept me up to prepare for the wedding. Some girls I know were in the crowd but I can't recall who. Then things get murky. Something about being outside, and a car, and maybe a dead body? And being questioned about my engagement/marriage. I mostly just recall sitting at the table and thinking it was okay that I didn't love him. That he was exactly what I needed.
And now, I'd best go. I have a bit more work to do tonight, and a busy day tomorrow. Good night, everyone!

time marches ever onward

Let's be honest. 2013 was a pretty lousy year for many of us. There were a lot of things about last year that I was uncomfortable with. I spent too much time on the wrong things and not enough time on the right things. I made some questionable decisions. A lot of things didn't turn out how I'd planned. So I've decided that 2014 is going to be a year about me. I will take better care of myself. I will spend time and energy on people who I feel are worth it, and not with people I don't. And I will spend more time doing the things that are most important to me: writing and making music. The only specific goals I'm laying out for myself are writing goals, though. I want to wrap up Emmelina and the Rat King and the ghost/witch novel, and submit both of them. And then I want to make a really solid start on a new project. I'm going to a writing workshop/retreat in June, and am going to apply to a couple others.
What's everyone else thinking for the new year?

one slip was all it took

Look at that. It's been two months again. I think one of my New Year's goals needs to be "pay more attention to social media." I keep meaning to blog more, and I keep just not getting around to it.
Several books to report:
31) The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. This book is horrifying. The culture it depicts is repellent. It's an interesting, important look at the direction our culture could go in if things go horribly awry, and I'm glad I read it, but I can't say that I'll put myself through it again.
32) Late Eclipses by Seanan McGuire. This is the fourth book in the Toby Daye series, and as always with this series, I loved it. I love the characters, and the way the action plays out, and how imperfect everyone is. People make mistakes. Sometimes other people die for them. This book isn't as bleack as book 3 was, but there's a real sense of desperation and loss in this one. And of building tension, like a storm is brewing. Really, this is some of the best urban fantasy I've read in years. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
33) Timeless by Gail Carriger. This is the fifth and final book in the Parasol Protectorate series. I loved the first four books, but this one . . . I have to be honest, I feel like this book is trying too hard.I wanted to know how the series ended, so I stuck with it, but I wasn't nearly as enamored with this one as I was with the previous books. Which was disappointing.
34) Stories edited by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio. This short-story anthology was hit-or-miss for me, but there were a couple stories in it that made it a keeper for me. Kat Howard's "A Life in Fictions" and "Joanna Harris's "Wildfire in Manhattan" in particular.
35) Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion. I loved this. It's such a different take on the zombie idea. I love the characters and how they evolve in relation to each other, and it's well written, and I thought the whole thing was really refreshing. I definitely recommend this one to anybody who wants a good story to read!
36) The Venetian's Wife by Nick Bantock. I enjoyed this one, but not nearly as much as Bantock's Griffin and Sabine trilogy. I don't think it's a keeper for me, largely because I don't think I'll reread it. But it's an engaging story and an enjoyable read.
I've had a hard time with books lately. I keep picking things up only to find that they don't appeal to me. It's strange. I have so many books I know I'll adore. I'm sort of leaving those be, for now, for the most part, to try the iffy ones first. I could always stop that and pick up something that I'm sure I'll love, but it's more challenging to sift through the unknowns.
My parents came to town for a week recently, which was really lovely, and now I'm on Christmas staycation. I'll really try to blog once or twice more before I go back to work in January. I'm also trying to get through some writing projects, and some things around the house that I've let languish while I have been doing an excessive amount of freelance work for the last two months.
Happy holidays, everyone!